Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Noah in America

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again the
earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and
save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans, thy sons and their wives."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with
the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the
Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted
owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I
needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by
an animal rights group. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They argued
the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
confined space. I am required to apply for 834
different licenses to keep wild beasts on private

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to
water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as
inimical to the environment.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to
work. The scaffolding to build  the superstructure is
not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for
private structures less than 5 cubits..

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100
years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up
in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to
destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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